I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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