I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
