I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
