I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
