I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
