I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
