tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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