she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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