So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
