I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
