From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
