Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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