i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
When did angry sex become our thing?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
