I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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