while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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