this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
