I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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