The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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