WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
