I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
