Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
