I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
