My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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