listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
