im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
