She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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