If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
