the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
