I want to have your abortion
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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