My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
