I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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