My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
