I think I just saw someone hide a body.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
