that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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