so that wasnt chicken after all
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
