just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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