Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
