Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
