I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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