she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
