The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
