so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
