I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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