seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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