You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
