My nipple is on Facebook.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
