So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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