Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
