I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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