I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
