Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
